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September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com

Mid-lifers: this is it. The last post of September. In this month of “relationship” we have had posts that focused on your relationship with friends, lovers, parents, children, even money. After all has been said and done… the posts that brought the most traffic and response had to do with friendship so it seems appropriate to end with that as our topic.

Guest author, Susan R. Meyer shares her insights on The Magic of Friendship.

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Mapping Midlife – The Magic of Friendship

Guest Author: Susan R Meyer

Lucy and Ethel; Rachel, Monica and Phoebe; Betty and Wilma. What do they all have in common? They were – are – lifelong friends. Somewhere out there almost any day you can find a rerun of these great friends supporting each other, sometimes annoying each other, but always there in the end. Over the course of our lives, our friendships with other women become increasingly important. Illness, divorce, the empty nest, our parents’ deaths, loss of a spouse or other significant relationships are inevitable as we age. “It is our friends who keep us anchored and grounded amid the sea of changes within us and around us,” says Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro in her book Heart to Heart: Deepening Women’s Friendships at Midlife (Berkley Publishing Group, 2001).

Unfortunately, for many of us, our friendships get put low on our list of priorities, robbing us of a significant buffer against sorrow and stress. Our need for a support network never changes. Research tells us that maintaining strong connections with others, whether family or friends, is highly correlated to longevity. Who is in your network?How often do you review your support system? Here are a few questions and a simple model:

Basic Questions

1. How often do I communicate with this person?

2. What common interests do we share?

3. Is this relationship focused in the present or only in the past?

4. Is this person in my inner circle or farther out?

None of these questions automatically rule anyone out of your circle, but they may place constraints on the friendship that will become clear as you set up your support network.

Support Network

Your support network is your inner circle. This is a group of four to eight people you know you can count on. In a good network, you don’t count on the same person for everything. Try to think of two names to put in each of the four categories.

1. Cheerleaders

These people give you unconditional positive support for even your smallest achievement. You can count on them to break out the champagne – real or virtual – to celebrate every good thing in your life. Call on them when you need a boost to celebrate even the tiniest baby step.

2. Comforters

These people are naturally soothing. The will listen to endless renditions of your tale of woe and be as sympathetic on the 40th telling as on the first. They show up with tissues and chocolate. Nothing is ever your fault in their minds.

3. Clarifiers

When you’re ready to plan, these are the people you need. They will break every idea down into the tiniest steps, help you set goals, identify plans to overcome obstacles, and leave you with a great plan and several back-ups. They help you make your every dream crystal clear.

4. Confronters

These are the folks who keep you honest and on track. They hold you to your announced plan. And they won’t entertain any excuses. Need a good, solid boot firmly placed behind you? Call a confronter!

This is the inner circle. It can shift over time. You may be lucky enough to have at least two names in each category. Some of these friends may drift into the outer circle for a time; others may replace them. Review this list twice a year – and see who you serve in these ways

Everyone Else?

Some of us prefer a large circle of friends; some a small cluster. It doesn’t matter. What special gifts does each of your friends bring? What do you bring to them? Take a moment to express gratitude for each of your friends. Cherish them all.

Friendships are just one of life’s adventures. Ready for your newest life adventure? Please visit http://www.life-workcafe.com for more information and resources, including the 20-Minute Quick Map to get you started.

Susan R. Meyer is an Executive and Life Coach and consultant specializing in helping people and organizations connect the dots and implement a plan. You can contact her at dr.susan@life-workcoach.com

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September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com

By the time you reach midlife, you’ve probably met and befriended dozens of people: from your early kindergarten years, to the co-worker in the next cubicle. Some relationships have lasted through thick and thin, friends for life. Others have just been a passing thing — you meet, you’re friendly, but it is a temporary relationship and easy to move on. Still others are troublesome or downright destructive to your inner spirit. As you reach these middle years of your life, it’s time to become more selective. Time to decide who gets to stay in your circle.

Who to Keep — Who to Toss. Guest author Dr. Robert Puff shares some insights.

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Keepers and Tossers

Guest Author: Dr. Robert Puff

Every human being is valuable; however, not every relationship functions in a way that is beneficial to the parties involved. This is why we each need to take inventory of our lives and evaluate which relationships are “Keepers” and which are “Tossers.”

“Tossers” are dysfunctional relationships that sap your energy or add negativity to your life, but are not important enough to be worth the investment of time and emotional energy it would require to try to improve them. “Tossers,” as the name suggests, are relationships that need to be phased out of your life entirely, or have interaction kept to a minimum. Sometimes people outgrow their friends, or simply move on. This is okay. It’s a normal part of life. Don’t feel guilty about it.

“Keepers” are relationships that matter. A relationship may be important because of who the other person is to you, (for example a parent, spouse, child, or sibling), or the relationship may matter because of what it brings to your life. For example a friendship that adds fun, joy, or some other great quality to your time on this Earth is worth investing in.

Just as plants in a garden need to be pruned and watered, “Keeper” relationships need to be managed with healthy boundaries and proactive scheduling. Too often we fail to set healthy boundaries with those “Keeper” folks that drive us crazy–yes, everybody has those. The permanent nature of these relationships tempts us to take the attitude that “it is what it is” and never consider breaking out of old, dysfunctional patterns. Setting healthy boundaries is like pruning a shrub that has taken on an undesirable shape. Plants not only need to be pruned, they also need to be nurtured in order to flourish. So often the significant relationships in our lives may go untended. When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse, had a road trip your best buddy, a heart-to-heart talk with dear old Mom or Dad, or spent quality one-on-one time with your child? Investing in these ways gives relationships the water they need to grow.

Evaluate which individuals currently in your life have the most positive or least negative affect on you. Make it a priority to schedule more time with these people, rather than getting together with the people who drag you down. Don’t fall into the trap of hanging out with someone who is a negative influence, simply because it is easier or requires less planning. Be sure to take time for the people who make you laugh, feed your spirit, and make life worth living. These relationships foster your growth and help you to become your best self, which you can then offer to those you love and the rest of the world.

There are times when we need to make ourselves available to offer support to someone who is going through a difficult time. We can listen to people vent their feelings about personal experiences they’ve had without trying to “fix” them or force them to put on a happy face. Every life has its storms. You may choose to “be there” for a friend, or your family may go through a rough patch. When this occurs, I recommend trying to balance out the draining effect that these times can have by balancing out the negative with more positive. Give yourself permission to let some things that don’t really matter slide. Do more of what you love, whether it’s a hobby, spending time alone reading, or whatever fills you up. Living a positive, healthy lifestyle is not only about restricting the influx of negative influences, but also about letting more of the good stuff in.

I worked with a teenager once who struggled with depression. He was a great individual, but most of the people he spent time with were very negative. As we worked together in therapy our first task was to find healthy activities that he enjoyed. He discovered that he loved being outdoors and hiking, and began to put forth the effort to do these things more often. The more he engaged in activities that he enjoyed, the better he felt and the more he met individuals with whom he could share his passions. As we continued to work together, he was able to form healthy boundaries in his “keeper” relationships and weed out some “tosser” relationships that were dragging him down. The improvement in his outlook on life and ability to really enjoy life were nothing short of a transformation.

Remember to be on the lookout for new, positive, emotionally healthy people who enter your life. If you continually put forth the effort you will find at least one. It is work to find such people, but the pay off is immeasurable.

Dr. Robert Puff is a psychologist and business consultant who has given almost a thousand media interviews, including magazines, online magazines, TV and radio talk shows. If you would like to read or listen to his numerous selections of how to handle fear, manage anger, reduce stress, go to: http://www.doctorpuff.com/

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