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September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com

Mid-lifers: this is it. The last post of September. In this month of “relationship” we have had posts that focused on your relationship with friends, lovers, parents, children, even money. After all has been said and done… the posts that brought the most traffic and response had to do with friendship so it seems appropriate to end with that as our topic.

Guest author, Susan R. Meyer shares her insights on The Magic of Friendship.

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Mapping Midlife – The Magic of Friendship

Guest Author: Susan R Meyer

Lucy and Ethel; Rachel, Monica and Phoebe; Betty and Wilma. What do they all have in common? They were – are – lifelong friends. Somewhere out there almost any day you can find a rerun of these great friends supporting each other, sometimes annoying each other, but always there in the end. Over the course of our lives, our friendships with other women become increasingly important. Illness, divorce, the empty nest, our parents’ deaths, loss of a spouse or other significant relationships are inevitable as we age. “It is our friends who keep us anchored and grounded amid the sea of changes within us and around us,” says Patricia Gottlieb Shapiro in her book Heart to Heart: Deepening Women’s Friendships at Midlife (Berkley Publishing Group, 2001).

Unfortunately, for many of us, our friendships get put low on our list of priorities, robbing us of a significant buffer against sorrow and stress. Our need for a support network never changes. Research tells us that maintaining strong connections with others, whether family or friends, is highly correlated to longevity. Who is in your network?How often do you review your support system? Here are a few questions and a simple model:

Basic Questions

1. How often do I communicate with this person?

2. What common interests do we share?

3. Is this relationship focused in the present or only in the past?

4. Is this person in my inner circle or farther out?

None of these questions automatically rule anyone out of your circle, but they may place constraints on the friendship that will become clear as you set up your support network.

Support Network

Your support network is your inner circle. This is a group of four to eight people you know you can count on. In a good network, you don’t count on the same person for everything. Try to think of two names to put in each of the four categories.

1. Cheerleaders

These people give you unconditional positive support for even your smallest achievement. You can count on them to break out the champagne – real or virtual – to celebrate every good thing in your life. Call on them when you need a boost to celebrate even the tiniest baby step.

2. Comforters

These people are naturally soothing. The will listen to endless renditions of your tale of woe and be as sympathetic on the 40th telling as on the first. They show up with tissues and chocolate. Nothing is ever your fault in their minds.

3. Clarifiers

When you’re ready to plan, these are the people you need. They will break every idea down into the tiniest steps, help you set goals, identify plans to overcome obstacles, and leave you with a great plan and several back-ups. They help you make your every dream crystal clear.

4. Confronters

These are the folks who keep you honest and on track. They hold you to your announced plan. And they won’t entertain any excuses. Need a good, solid boot firmly placed behind you? Call a confronter!

This is the inner circle. It can shift over time. You may be lucky enough to have at least two names in each category. Some of these friends may drift into the outer circle for a time; others may replace them. Review this list twice a year – and see who you serve in these ways

Everyone Else?

Some of us prefer a large circle of friends; some a small cluster. It doesn’t matter. What special gifts does each of your friends bring? What do you bring to them? Take a moment to express gratitude for each of your friends. Cherish them all.

Friendships are just one of life’s adventures. Ready for your newest life adventure? Please visit http://www.life-workcafe.com for more information and resources, including the 20-Minute Quick Map to get you started.

Susan R. Meyer is an Executive and Life Coach and consultant specializing in helping people and organizations connect the dots and implement a plan. You can contact her at dr.susan@life-workcoach.com

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September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com

By the time you reach midlife, you’ve probably met and befriended dozens of people: from your early kindergarten years, to the co-worker in the next cubicle. Some relationships have lasted through thick and thin, friends for life. Others have just been a passing thing — you meet, you’re friendly, but it is a temporary relationship and easy to move on. Still others are troublesome or downright destructive to your inner spirit. As you reach these middle years of your life, it’s time to become more selective. Time to decide who gets to stay in your circle.

Who to Keep — Who to Toss. Guest author Dr. Robert Puff shares some insights.

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Keepers and Tossers

Guest Author: Dr. Robert Puff

Every human being is valuable; however, not every relationship functions in a way that is beneficial to the parties involved. This is why we each need to take inventory of our lives and evaluate which relationships are “Keepers” and which are “Tossers.”

“Tossers” are dysfunctional relationships that sap your energy or add negativity to your life, but are not important enough to be worth the investment of time and emotional energy it would require to try to improve them. “Tossers,” as the name suggests, are relationships that need to be phased out of your life entirely, or have interaction kept to a minimum. Sometimes people outgrow their friends, or simply move on. This is okay. It’s a normal part of life. Don’t feel guilty about it.

“Keepers” are relationships that matter. A relationship may be important because of who the other person is to you, (for example a parent, spouse, child, or sibling), or the relationship may matter because of what it brings to your life. For example a friendship that adds fun, joy, or some other great quality to your time on this Earth is worth investing in.

Just as plants in a garden need to be pruned and watered, “Keeper” relationships need to be managed with healthy boundaries and proactive scheduling. Too often we fail to set healthy boundaries with those “Keeper” folks that drive us crazy–yes, everybody has those. The permanent nature of these relationships tempts us to take the attitude that “it is what it is” and never consider breaking out of old, dysfunctional patterns. Setting healthy boundaries is like pruning a shrub that has taken on an undesirable shape. Plants not only need to be pruned, they also need to be nurtured in order to flourish. So often the significant relationships in our lives may go untended. When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse, had a road trip your best buddy, a heart-to-heart talk with dear old Mom or Dad, or spent quality one-on-one time with your child? Investing in these ways gives relationships the water they need to grow.

Evaluate which individuals currently in your life have the most positive or least negative affect on you. Make it a priority to schedule more time with these people, rather than getting together with the people who drag you down. Don’t fall into the trap of hanging out with someone who is a negative influence, simply because it is easier or requires less planning. Be sure to take time for the people who make you laugh, feed your spirit, and make life worth living. These relationships foster your growth and help you to become your best self, which you can then offer to those you love and the rest of the world.

There are times when we need to make ourselves available to offer support to someone who is going through a difficult time. We can listen to people vent their feelings about personal experiences they’ve had without trying to “fix” them or force them to put on a happy face. Every life has its storms. You may choose to “be there” for a friend, or your family may go through a rough patch. When this occurs, I recommend trying to balance out the draining effect that these times can have by balancing out the negative with more positive. Give yourself permission to let some things that don’t really matter slide. Do more of what you love, whether it’s a hobby, spending time alone reading, or whatever fills you up. Living a positive, healthy lifestyle is not only about restricting the influx of negative influences, but also about letting more of the good stuff in.

I worked with a teenager once who struggled with depression. He was a great individual, but most of the people he spent time with were very negative. As we worked together in therapy our first task was to find healthy activities that he enjoyed. He discovered that he loved being outdoors and hiking, and began to put forth the effort to do these things more often. The more he engaged in activities that he enjoyed, the better he felt and the more he met individuals with whom he could share his passions. As we continued to work together, he was able to form healthy boundaries in his “keeper” relationships and weed out some “tosser” relationships that were dragging him down. The improvement in his outlook on life and ability to really enjoy life were nothing short of a transformation.

Remember to be on the lookout for new, positive, emotionally healthy people who enter your life. If you continually put forth the effort you will find at least one. It is work to find such people, but the pay off is immeasurable.

Dr. Robert Puff is a psychologist and business consultant who has given almost a thousand media interviews, including magazines, online magazines, TV and radio talk shows. If you would like to read or listen to his numerous selections of how to handle fear, manage anger, reduce stress, go to: http://www.doctorpuff.com/

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September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com

You thought your love life was settled. You found the right partner and figured this was it! But suddenly there’s a job change, or some family crisis and one of the two of you has to move or travel. For Baby Boomers with aging parents, and today’s climate around job security, saying “no” to the distance issue may not be an option.

You and your partner are determined to make your love last — but can love survive when it’s a long-distance relationship?

Guest Author, Mike Sandy offers some advice.

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How to Make it Work – Long Distance Love

Guest Author Mike Sandy

Trust is a Two Way Street

Distance can wreck even the most stable of relationships. The emptiness of not knowing what your partner is doing at any given moment can give way to jealousy and possessiveness. Without trust, relationships are doomed. Each party must demonstrate fidelity and reliability. Being scrupulously truthful is the only way to build trust in a long distance relationship, because your partner isn’t there to check up on you, and both of you know that.

Did you promise each other to call at a certain time? Do it, no excuses. Do you have a virtual date planned for Friday night? Don’t come up with pretexts for being unavailable. If you find yourself in a precarious situation, apply the litmus test: would you be upset by your own behaviour if the roles were reversed? If the answer is yes, then you are on dangerous ground. Trust is a fragile thing, but it can also be a strong web that holds a long distance relationship together. If you can trust each other on the small details, then the bigger issues are easier to build on.

Feel the Love

Couples in long distance relationships have to work extra hard to be demonstrative. Those that make the distance work show their feelings constantly and unequivocally. You have to compensate for the fact that you can’t be affectionate in person. Say ‘I love you’ often, and not just in those three simple words, express your love in other ways too. Share your triumphs and tragedies with each other. Write love letters. Laugh together over an online joke. Send a card, letter, or a gift. Be creative and think of the little things your partner would appreciate. For example, send them a mixed CD with songs that remind both of you of specific moments spent together, or a photo taken at a recent event, or even a piece of cloth that has the scent of your perfume on it. Physical reminders of your love and of each other will bring both of you closer.

To overcome dating problems, gain confidence and for secret tips. CLICK HERE to learn from my personal experience. Take a hot date today with my secret’s.

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September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com

What do you do when your partner has been unfaithful?

If you are a Baby Boomer who has had the courage to enter into an honest relationship with another person, (and courage is the word to describe what it takes to let yourself be “known” on so many levels) it is devastating if you discover that your partner has been unfaithful. Today’s headlines are filled with the stories of so many people who suffer such circumstances, throw up their hands and simply walk away. It’s become almost commonplace.

But what do you do if you don’t want to walk away? How do you recover?—how does your relationship survive after an affair?

Guest Author, Bruce Merryman offers some advice.

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Relationship Recovery After an Affair

By Bruce Merryman

When you first enter into a relationship with someone, every aspect of the relationship seems perfect and magical, but nothing stays the same forever. If you’re one of the lucky couples, your relationship sustains, matures, and improves over time, but the vast majority of couples experience difficulties of some type. The worst and most challenging problem to recover from is infidelity. What to do and how to deal with this issue if you want to stay with your partner is the real challenge.

The first step in recovering your relationship will be difficult because it will require that you both be honest and objective in deciding if you in fact want to recover your relationship. Infidelity causes a great deal of hurt and anger, and it may be best if you both take some time away from each other before you begin to mend anything. Through this separation you’ll both be giving each other the necessary time to re-evaluate things and clear your minds.

Infidelity is a difficult experience to recover from, and if you use this time apart wisely it will help you determine what steps must be taken to avoid going down the same path again.

Facing the challenges of recovering your relationship alone may in fact, be something that you shouldn’t do at all. You have some very serious questions that both of you are trying to deal with, and at this early stage you may not be equipped to handle them effectively. A viable solution to this problem would be to enter into couples or marriage counseling. Professional counseling can help reduce the unhelpful patterns of anger and conflict and constructively help you understand why one or both of you engaged in infidelity.

Counseling will help both of you more easily reveal the anger and frustration that led to the affair and enable both of you to find forgiveness and empathy that will ultimately begin leading you down the path of recovery. Committing to relationship counseling is one of the strongest and best signals that you can send to your partner to indicate the sincerity of your commitment to recover your relationship.

If you like what you’ve just read and would like more information related to recovering a troubled relationship, visit my blog by clicking here.

Bruce Merryman is a successfully retired contractor, who currently works as a performance level classical and solo guitarist. When not performing, he enjoys the rewarding work of teaching others to play. Bruce and his wife have been married for over 40 years, and through that long term relationship has gained some valuable insights about how to a sustain a relationship.

Over the years Bruce has known and observed many couples whose marriages or relationships failed and because of the success of his own marriage is strongly motivated to assist couples in having the same rewarding experience. For more information about relationship recovery, visit my blog by clicking here.

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Are you a Baby Boomer thinking about jumping back into the dating game? I’m sure you’ve heard all the reasons not to. Well, the heck with that. In this guest post, personal love coach, author Sandra Rohr, debunks all those myths about being too old, fear of getting your heart broken, you’re sure to be disappointed!

If you want to get back out there – go for it. It’s never too late to follow your heart.

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Tool Old for Love? 5 Myths About Starting Over Again After 50 Debunked

Guest Author: Sandra Rohr

Recently, I met with a woman who has an interesting story. It seems that she and her husband have been separated for many years. They have gone through almost all the steps of the divorce, and there remains only one step to finalize the divorce: taking the signed documents to the judge to pronounce the divorce final. And the interesting thing is that she has held onto those documents for 2 ½ years! She – and her husband – have lived in limbo for 2 ½ years!

As she told her story, she began to sort out the reasons for not completing the divorce, which is that she is 59 and fearful about re-entering the dating/mating scene.

“I’m just too old! And I don’t know anything about dating anymore – it’s just been too long! Everything has changed!” She was nearly in tears as she told her story.

She was stuck in one of the 5 deadly myths about being a mature age and starting over in love.

Myth #1: It just can’t happen.

It’s not true that a life of love and intimacy is only for the young and beautiful. All it takes is that one person, and using the laws of attraction, you can draw that person to you.

Myth #2: I don’t know enough.

Sure, the dating scene has changed since you were a teen, but the people you are likely to want to date – people of your own age – were born and raised in your era. This means that they learned to date for the first time just when you did, so they will have the same understanding of how to date and relate as you do.

Myth #3: I’m too old to start again.

And as for those things that are different now, in spite of the tired cliché “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” you can learn all you need to know about dating in this decade. In fact, your maturity and life experience will help you to learn all you need to know – and very quickly.

Myth #4: I will just get my heart broken.

Actually, I can’t promise that this won’t happen, but I can promise that you will recover, and that you will learn from the experience. Life is risky, and when we put ourselves out there with the intent to love, we are vulnerable. But the alternative is to live a shriveled half-life. And you can learn how to date consciously so that you can balance your head with your heart in your relationships.

Myth #5: Love now could never be as sweet as it once was.

This is surely one of the biggest myths. Falling in love at any age feels just the same as it did when we were 16. Humans never get too old to feel that zing! And the sex, even with our aging bodies, can actually be far better, far more fulfilling than when we were young.

Like a fine wine, life and – more importantly – love can become more wonderful because of – not in spite of – aging. There is a desert wine known as late harvest wine. This wine is created from select grapes that are left to hang on the vine late into the season; the grapes are affected by Botrytis – the “noble rot” – that causes them to become dry and shriveled on the vine – and highly concentrated with sugar. When harvested by hand, pressed, and fermented, these grapes produce a sweet, luscious, honeyed, nectar-like wine. Late harvest love can be as delicious and satisfying as this wonderful late harvest wine.

So go for life. Go for love. Drink deep from that sweet, luscious, honeyed, nectar-like cup! It’s never too late for love, and it’s worth any risk!

And when you’re ready to go for the joys of late harvest love, you’re invited to visit http://YourPersonalLoveCoach.com – from singles and relationship coach Sandra Rohr. You can also sign up for my free 5-day e-course, Posting a Winning Profile to the Internet.

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