Jan 31 2010
When Dad Starts to Date: Advice for the Sandwich Generation
Today’s Baby Boomer Sandwich Generation faces some unique situations. You watch your kids grow up and your parents grow older. If, like so many baby boomers, your parents have split, or one of them has died, what’s it like for you when Dad (or Mom) starts to date again?
Guest post author Deborah S. Silver, LCSW, Co-Founder, Active Seniors in Transition shares some insights into this all too common issue.
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“When Dad Starts To Date”
A friend told the following story:
“When my father become a widower, after 50 years of devoted marriage to my mother, we all worried about him. He was devastated by the loss, hadn’t ever been on his own since he was 21 and couldn’t even boil water.
“Well, weren’t we surprised when, within a short period of time, women were crawling out of the woodwork. At one point he was juggling three girlfriends! Within a year he was married. I didn’t like her very much. I winced when he called her ‘honey’ and I resented the time and money he spent on her and her grown children.
“But when he became ill, she nursed him with tender care and she was truly grieved when he died. I finally had to admit that I didn’t know what I would have done without her.”
I have heard variations on this theme over and over. Why do many of us so resent it when our widowed parent finds happiness with someone new?
We feel disloyal to the parent that is gone when we accept the new union and give it our blessing
We are jealous of the new person that is receiving our living parent’s time, affection and financial gifts
We are uncomfortable thinking about our parent as – dare I say it – a sexual being. We’ve managed to avoid thinking about this for a very long time!
We are justifiably worried that the new partner is less than sincere and will hurt our parent both emotionally and financially
It didn’t take my friend long to realize that her resentment was a small price to pay for her father’s happiness (and he had five really wonderful years).
Not to mention that she was not prepared to give up her own life to take care of him and become a substitute spouse.
Of course, if you feel that someone is really out to hurt your parent, you may have to step in. But ask yourself the hard questions first. “Is this really about them – or is it about me?”
To read other articles by Deborah Silver, visit her at www.activeseniorsintransition.com
My mother began to date someone shortly after my father passed away. She was 51 at the time. Everyone who knew her so quite upset and finally one night , while I was sitting on her back porch and talking with her about it, she turned to me and said "would you rather have me be alone and unhappy?"
Enough said by mom. Although we were not happy with the person she picked we never hassled her again about her choice.
It's difficult watching your parent choose a new partner. But it's important to remember this is her life. Not yours. Thanks for your comment.