Sep 28 2009
Friendship: Who to Keep — Who to Toss – And Why!
September is Baby Boomer Relationship Month on midlifejourney.com
By the time you reach midlife, you’ve probably met and befriended dozens of people: from your early kindergarten years, to the co-worker in the next cubicle. Some relationships have lasted through thick and thin, friends for life. Others have just been a passing thing — you meet, you’re friendly, but it is a temporary relationship and easy to move on. Still others are troublesome or downright destructive to your inner spirit. As you reach these middle years of your life, it’s time to become more selective. Time to decide who gets to stay in your circle.
Who to Keep — Who to Toss. Guest author Dr. Robert Puff shares some insights.
. . . . .
Keepers and Tossers
Guest Author: Dr. Robert Puff
Every human being is valuable; however, not every relationship functions in a way that is beneficial to the parties involved. This is why we each need to take inventory of our lives and evaluate which relationships are “Keepers” and which are “Tossers.”
“Tossers” are dysfunctional relationships that sap your energy or add negativity to your life, but are not important enough to be worth the investment of time and emotional energy it would require to try to improve them. “Tossers,” as the name suggests, are relationships that need to be phased out of your life entirely, or have interaction kept to a minimum. Sometimes people outgrow their friends, or simply move on. This is okay. It’s a normal part of life. Don’t feel guilty about it.
“Keepers” are relationships that matter. A relationship may be important because of who the other person is to you, (for example a parent, spouse, child, or sibling), or the relationship may matter because of what it brings to your life. For example a friendship that adds fun, joy, or some other great quality to your time on this Earth is worth investing in.
Just as plants in a garden need to be pruned and watered, “Keeper” relationships need to be managed with healthy boundaries and proactive scheduling. Too often we fail to set healthy boundaries with those “Keeper” folks that drive us crazy–yes, everybody has those. The permanent nature of these relationships tempts us to take the attitude that “it is what it is” and never consider breaking out of old, dysfunctional patterns. Setting healthy boundaries is like pruning a shrub that has taken on an undesirable shape. Plants not only need to be pruned, they also need to be nurtured in order to flourish. So often the significant relationships in our lives may go untended. When was the last time you went on a date with your spouse, had a road trip your best buddy, a heart-to-heart talk with dear old Mom or Dad, or spent quality one-on-one time with your child? Investing in these ways gives relationships the water they need to grow.
Evaluate which individuals currently in your life have the most positive or least negative affect on you. Make it a priority to schedule more time with these people, rather than getting together with the people who drag you down. Don’t fall into the trap of hanging out with someone who is a negative influence, simply because it is easier or requires less planning. Be sure to take time for the people who make you laugh, feed your spirit, and make life worth living. These relationships foster your growth and help you to become your best self, which you can then offer to those you love and the rest of the world.
There are times when we need to make ourselves available to offer support to someone who is going through a difficult time. We can listen to people vent their feelings about personal experiences they’ve had without trying to “fix” them or force them to put on a happy face. Every life has its storms. You may choose to “be there” for a friend, or your family may go through a rough patch. When this occurs, I recommend trying to balance out the draining effect that these times can have by balancing out the negative with more positive. Give yourself permission to let some things that don’t really matter slide. Do more of what you love, whether it’s a hobby, spending time alone reading, or whatever fills you up. Living a positive, healthy lifestyle is not only about restricting the influx of negative influences, but also about letting more of the good stuff in.
I worked with a teenager once who struggled with depression. He was a great individual, but most of the people he spent time with were very negative. As we worked together in therapy our first task was to find healthy activities that he enjoyed. He discovered that he loved being outdoors and hiking, and began to put forth the effort to do these things more often. The more he engaged in activities that he enjoyed, the better he felt and the more he met individuals with whom he could share his passions. As we continued to work together, he was able to form healthy boundaries in his “keeper” relationships and weed out some “tosser” relationships that were dragging him down. The improvement in his outlook on life and ability to really enjoy life were nothing short of a transformation.
Remember to be on the lookout for new, positive, emotionally healthy people who enter your life. If you continually put forth the effort you will find at least one. It is work to find such people, but the pay off is immeasurable.
Dr. Robert Puff is a psychologist and business consultant who has given almost a thousand media interviews, including magazines, online magazines, TV and radio talk shows. If you would like to read or listen to his numerous selections of how to handle fear, manage anger, reduce stress, go to: http://www.doctorpuff.com/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Puff
http://EzineArticles.com/?Keepers-and-Tossers&id=2875815
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Let me just say that I have 'tossed' more than a few in recent years…. spirit suckers…. or Frenemies
this article reminds me of the last couple of lines of David Whyte's poem, "Sweet Darkness" :
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
I find it hard to toss exactly, instead I just let them melt away….
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